On Becoming a Mother
Ten hours of labor, forty-five minutes of pushing, and a new life was here. I remember letting out a huge sigh of relief when she came out. It wasn’t out of pain, but more of a release that all my hard work for the past nine months was coming full circle. I have such a huge respect for every mother who has given birth. Nothing can prepare you for that and it takes such strength I never knew I had. God surely designed us perfectly for such a task. Brad was amazing through it all. He would watch the monitor and grab my hand when he saw the contraction increasing. I never felt the need to squeeze his hand in pain, I just wanted him to hold mine so I could feel his touch and support.
When they handed her to me for the first time I felt like such a bad mom. I kept saying in my head, “Where’s the immediate love? Why hasn’t it hit me yet? Is this really happening?” I didn’t have that immediate love I had always heard of. Instead I looked at my daughter and thought, “Who on Earth are you? And why don’t you look like me or Brad?” I thought if she had, I might feel some relation to her. Brad and I spent a few minutes alone with her. We both were in shock. Did we really just produce this little human? I was eager to show her off to all of the family waiting outside the door. I was hoping it would make her more real to me as I watched everyone pass her around. But I was still in shock.
That night after the visitors left, Brad and I sat in the hospital room just staring at our daughter. I remember holding her close to my face as I watched her sleep on my shoulder and it suddenly hit me. This is really MY daughter. It’s like I was suddenly able to relate her to that little thing moving around in my belly. I think I was in shock my entire pregnancy. I couldn’t believe that such a gift could ever be given to me. I can’t imagine living my life without the feeling of carrying a child and giving birth.
Every day I feel closer to my little Nevaeh. The love I have for her and my Brad goes beyond what I thought was humanly possible. The word “love” hardly defines what I feel for them. To God, I am forever thankful.
