On past entries.
December 2nd, 2008
Written February 1st, 2005:
I know I’m not perfect. I never will be. I am thankful for grace…I fall so short of it. Yet at the same time I feel so completed. It’s the strangest thing. I can barely describe it. I love that in the act of doing something I shouldn’t I am thinking in my head, “Jennifer, what the heck are you doing, you know better”…so I just push that little voice aside and say, “I hear you, but I don’t care”. Oh, we humans are such silly creatures. Always seeking what we want rather than what is best. At the end of the road we look back and think, “wow I wish I would have listened to that little voice”. I refuse to look back and think that. I don’t believe in regret. I regret nothing. Everything has been a learning experience and has made me strong. Would I have liked to gain strength in a less painful manor? Of course. But I wouldn’t have known the full extent of grace, forgiveness, and endurance without pain. Nothing but good comes from pain…but only if we allow it. I am learning so much. Everyday I get hit in the face with another lesson. This is all preperation for what is to come. I have no doubts that what is to come will be better than I could have ever prayed for. From time to time I catch a glimpse and it takes my breath away.
On Becoming a Mother.
October 7th, 2008
10 hours of labor, 45 minutes of pushing, and a new life was here. I remember letting out a huge sigh of relief when she came out. It wasn’t out of pain, but more of a release that all my hard work for the past 9 months was coming full circle. I have such a huge respect for every mother who has given birth. Nothing can prepare you for that and it takes such strength I never knew I had. God surely designed us perfectly for such a task. Brad was amazing through it all. He would watch the monitor and grab my hand when he saw the contraction increasing. I never felt the need to squeeze his hand in pain, I just wanted him to hold mine so I could feel his touch and support.
When they handed her to me for the first time I felt like such a bad mom. I kept saying in my head, “Where’s the immediate love? Why hasn’t it hit me yet? Is this really happening?” I didn’t have that immediate love I had always heard of. Instead I looked at my daughter and thought, “Who on Earth are you? And why don’t you look like me or Brad?” I thought if she had, I might feel some relation to her. Brad and I spent a few minutes alone with her. We both were in shock. Did we really just produce this little human? I was eager to show her off to all of the family waiting outside the door. I was hoping it would make her more real to me as I watched everyone pass her around. But I was still in shock.
That night after the visitors left, Brad and I sat in the hospital room just staring at our daughter. I remember holding her close to my face as I watched her sleep on my shoulder and it suddenly hit me. This is really MY daughter. It’s like I was suddenly able to relate her to that little thing moving around in my belly. I think I was in shock my entire pregnancy. I couldn’t believe that such a gift could ever be given to me. I can’t imagine living my life without the feeling of carrying a child and giving birth.
Every day I feel closer to my little Nevaeh. The love I have for her and my Brad goes beyond what I thought was humanly possible. The word “love” hardly defines what I feel for them. To God, I am forever thankful.
On Waiting.
June 20th, 2008
So, our little girl will be here before we know it. I can hardly believe that she is actually going to come out. I sort of have it in my head that she is there to stay. We had an ultrasound last week to ensure everything was going well and the test results came out perfect. She is in the 48th percentile for her size, so I’m hoping that means she won’t be too big. I’m so ready for Nevaeh to come, I can hardly stand it.
